5 Tips for Telling Someone How You Feel
Does sharing your thoughts or feelings with other people stress you out?
In my therapy practice, I often talk with people about how they fear the potential conflict and vulnerability that can come with expressing themselves to others. I have found that working through that worry can actually help you to feel closer to other people and/or build your confidence from owning your standards. If communicating your emotions, thoughts, and desires to someone you care about makes you want to curl up in a blanket and hide or run for the hills, I have 5 tips to help you craft your message!
1) Know what YOU want
Getting in touch with your OWN needs and wants is an important first step to communication. It is very difficult to effectively get across what you expect from someone else when you’re not sure yourself. Do you hope to see changed behavior? Do you just need someone to know how you feel? Do you want to make a date? The list could go on.
Being clear on what YOU want first can help you keep a cooler head and give you a sense of control over yourself (note: you CANNOT control the other person, but we will talk more about that in a minute with Tip #4). It also gives you and the other person specific things to work with. Vague complaints can lead to more defensiveness.
Journaling, talking to someone you trust, or just sitting with your own thoughts can be useful ways to get you thinking.
2) Use “I-statements” when sharing your wants/needs/desires
Once you’ve figured out your thoughts and feelings about something, it’s time to consider how you want to share them! Keep in mind that the way we structure our messages can make or break a conversation. For example, as soon as a sentence starts with the word “you,” it automatically puts the other person on defense. “You don’t…,” “You did…,” “You made…” will more often than not lead to more arguing. Using statements like, “I feel…,” “I think…,” “I notice…,” “I need…,” shows ownership of your thoughts and feelings.
3) Use caution when throwing around assumptions
There is a phrase that goes: “What happens when you assume? It makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” The same rings true when you’re trying to tell someone how you feel. Assuming someone’s intentions or feelings will more often than not lead to an argument that you did not intend to have. You then end up in a debate of who is right or wrong about the assumption, instead of communicating your point from Tip #1. Instead, try to leave room for human error and get curious about the situation. Most people have good intentions.
For example, if you were upset that your crush didn’t text you last night and you respond like this: “I know you don’t care about me because you didn’t text me yesterday.” You’re likely going to be met with an avalanche of excuses that miss the point. Instead, if you said, “I was hoping to hear from you last night and I was really bummed when I didn’t.” You’re more likely to get their cooperation and understanding that they disappointed you, as well as the reason you didn’t hear from them.
4) Allow them to have their feelings
Remember how I earlier said you can’t control the other person? Here’s where that comes in. You can craft a beautiful message and people can still react poorly to it. This has more to do with them and their own perceptions than it does you. If you’ve done the prep work to own your thoughts/feelings, chosen words that don’t blame/shame, and are mindful of your tone (read: watch the sass!) then that’s all you can do. Those are what you’re responsible for. You are not responsible for the other person’s reactions. This leads to my last tip:
5) Be prepared for possible rejection
Rejection sucks. It’s not fun to have someone disagree with you or deny you. But not all conflict is bad conflict and not all rejections are bad in the end even if it feels terrible in the moment. Working through disagreements and hurts can bring us closer together. It can also help us make informed decisions about the people we allow in our lives. If someone responds really poorly to you sharing how you feel, that might be helpful information to have as you determine if you’re interested in continuing that relationship.
There you have it! You can use these tips in most situations with friends, family, partners, even coworkers. If you find that you shy away from conflict in your relationships and experience anxiety around it, consider working with me to improve your communication skills and help you find confidence in interacting with others!
Click here to get in touch and schedule a free 15-minute consultation!
-Stephanie
